im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
