wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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