i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
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