i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
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