My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
