Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
