He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
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