oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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