She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
