i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
