she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
