haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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