you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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