I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
