Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize