I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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