Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
