Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Randomize
