so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Randomize
