i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
