The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
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