I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
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