I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
