my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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