The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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