Pappa wants mamma naked
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Randomize
