You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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