I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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