I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
