so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I'd cum for enchiladas.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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