awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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