The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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