Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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