his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
