mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
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