I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Come back. Shots need mouths.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize