My sheets look like a crime scene.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
