Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
