Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
