Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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