tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
