was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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