Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
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