you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
