I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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