Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Randomize
