In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
You left your phone here
Wait...
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