Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
