he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
