My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
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