Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
