everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
He passed out mid-signature
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
