I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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