Pants 0. Shit 1.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
