Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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