He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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