2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I need a burrito and a hug.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
