I'm sorry my penis didn't work
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
