My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
