I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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