so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
birth control should be required to get into college
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
