Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I'm both gender and math confused
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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