Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
He shit in the fireplace
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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