I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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