Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
